My Lovely Secret
by Mickis
Summary: Raphael reveals one of his deepest secrets one his own family doesn't even know about. He tells the story of the person his life used to revolve around, and the effect she had on him.


**Disclaimer:** Nope, still don't own the turtles, and never will.

**A/N:** _I'm not really sure why I wrote this story. I had intended it for Donnie, but as the words began to type themselves I realized I was writing about Raphael. You'll understand why once you read it. It didn't fit Donatello, and Raph somehow climbed inside my mind and took over. Anyway, please leave a review if you **do** read this, but then again - I can't force you. But still... It wouldn't kill__ ya to leave one.. (hint hint) Heh heh.. Enjoy!_

* * *

**MY LOVELY SECRET**

by

Mickis

**Genre: **Drama/Tragedy

**Language: **English

**Censor: **PG13 (some blood and stuff)

**Summary: **_Raphael reveals one of his deepest secrets - one his own family doesn't even know about. He tells the story of the person his life used to revolve around, and the effect she had on him._

* * *

She used to be my lovely secret. She used to be my lovely dream. She used to be my every lovely thought.

She used to be a tremendous part of me, yet, it was a part no one knew of - and never will. She used to be my longing for waking up, instead of my longing for going to sleep. She used to be the light in my cloaked existence, and not the shadows. She used to be my foremost reason for smiling, and now she has become the very same reason for my tears.

She used to be so lovely.

* * *

It began like it always did when destiny sent a person into our lives - or in this particular situation; _my_ life - a committed crime and a disguised rescue.

It was a Thursday night, and I had left the lair in search of some privacy, like I've done so many times before. I love my family more than they will ever know, more than I'll ever tell them, but sometimes I have to get away from them in order to be myself. I always feel whole when I leap the rooftops of Manhattan. Spying on the city from above, where I'm safely hidden in the darkness. I can see them, but they can't see me. I slipped my sais into my belt and quickly put on the old trench coat and fedora before climbing the exit ladder and leaving.

I walked through the sewer for a while, when I decided to head to Central Park. I hadn't been there in ages, and nature might do me some good, especially since the park always looked its best at this time of year. I carefully removed the manhole cover and climbed topside, making sure no one saw me. After putting the cover back in its place and rising to my feet I breathed in the fresh summer night air. Clean air that never reached into the depths of our home. Then I walked the park, sticking to the shadows and paying little attention to the few people that passed me. I wasn't there because of the people, I wanted to be alone and therefore ignored them. However, there was one person I couldn't ignore. It was almost as if my eyes were automatically drawn to her, and once I saw her I simply couldn't look away.

Her skin was fair and her hair dark, its untamed curls resting on her bare back, where her top was properly tied together. Sure, the night and the contrast to her pale skin may have made her hair seem darker than it really was, but it was definitely brown. She wore a pair of jeans on her slender legs, and even though she was short her legs appeared long. She didn't look to be any older than eighteen, just like me. She had a dog with her, and as she came closer I realized it was a German Sheppard, roughly following her at her left side. It seemed far too big for a person of her size.

Finally, the two of us passed each other, both going opposite ways. She was almost a head shorter than myself and I noticed she wore tiny headphones in her ears. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I carefully studied her face, and her oblivious eyes didn't notice me, her mind drifting off to the music in her ears. Her lips were red and full, the bottom lip a little bigger than the upper, and her feminine nose was slim and gracious. But what _really_ caught my attention was her dark eyes. Her big, beautiful, dark eyes. I couldn't see what color they were, though. I would have to be standing face to face with her to find out, but I could definitely see their beauty. There was so much life in them, and I almost wanted her to look at me, just so I could know what it felt like.

But she didn't.

Instead she passed me by, as if I hadn't even been there, and continued to walk forward, her dog struggling at her side. I just stood there, looking at her, bewitched by her presence and beauty. I could've watched her forever, had I had the chance.

But destiny had other plans.

A man leaped out from the shadows, his head was shaved and he wore a black leather jacket. He walked up in front of her and blocked her way. I heard her tell him to back off and I remember her dog started barking. But like it would've done with most people, it didn't scare the man. Instead he grabbed her by her wrists and pulled her closer to him, forcing her to look him in the eyes. The dog kept barking. It was afraid and therefore didn't have the courage to attack. The sound bothered the man and he kicked the dog with his right foot, causing it to squeal in pain.

I immediately grabbed my sais and approached them, each step fiercer than the last. He put his hand over her mouth to keep her from screaming, and I tightened my grip on my weapons, speeding up and running the final distance. The man looked up from the girl, his eyes wandering across my body, but he didn't let go of her. His eyes widened when the streetlight shone on me, noticing the steel in my hands. But it was all he could do, for the next second I plunged the sai into his left side, holding onto his shoulder with my other hand as it penetrated him. He looked at me with surprise, and then his eyes trailed down to the wound in his side. I slowly retreated the sai and found it covered with blood. The punk released the girl and staggered backwards, his hands trembling as he touched the blood that seeped out from him. The girl stumbled to the side and tightened the hold on her dog's leash, her eyes darting from him to me.

I took the time to see if she was hurt as the man fought to catch his breath, still staring at the wound in his side, and she met my eyes for the first time, hers widening in confusion. Her eyes wandered from my face down to the bloody weapon in my right hand, and fear twisted her features. Observing her reaction I failed to notice the knife the man slid out from the inner pocket of his jacket. Luckily I was fast enough to discover it before he reached up to me, and I hammered the steel of my sai across his hand, causing him to lose the knife, and I smiled at the sound of the blade hitting the ground. He staggered backwards, as if shocked by my reflexes, and I followed him, my weapons held in front of me; gripping them tight in anticipation, my eyes fixating on his.

Before he had any chance to escape I placed a kick to his chest, causing him to fall hard on his back. I closed in on him until I was standing right above him, looking down at his terrified face. He couldn't see my face because of the hat and coat, and therefore he didn't witness my smile as I kicked him in the stomach. He doubled over in pain, moaning deeply with his eyes shut, and I felt he deserved every second of his suffering.

I turned around to look at the girl and found her in a sitting position, her weight resting on her feet as she embraced the dog, trying to calm it. I put away my weapons inside my coat, placing them in the belt where they belonged, to show her that I meant her no harm. She noticed the gesture and I saw her stance relaxing, fear not as powerful anymore, and she turned back to my eyes; hidden underneath the shadow of my hat. Slowly, she rose to her feet and took in the events of the last few seconds.

"You okay?" I asked, my voice bleeding with concern, and I took a step closer to her, the distance between us only a few feet. Unfortunately my move caused her to back away from me, her eyes wavering with uncertainty.

"I won't harm ya," I told her, holding up my hands to prove myself. She still didn't answer me, but just stood there, staring, searching for the face underneath the fedora.

The thug groaned from behind me and she broke away from my stare, glancing at her attacker collapsed on the ground in foetal position, embracing his stomach. Her eyes then returned to mine, enchanting me without even knowing it, and I noticed there wasn't much fear left in them.

"You hurt?" I asked, still not moving, afraid I might scare her again.

"Uh... what.. um.." she stuttered, her eyes locked with mine. "I mean, no," she said with a foolish smile, one I fell in love with instantly.

I found myself looking deep into her eyes, losing myself within them. She had the most amazing eyes. She made me feel like I was the only person in the world when she looked at me. Everything else vanished. The park around us faded until there was only darkness left, her being the only source of light; shining on me as if blessing me.

"Thank you," she said, her heavy breathing beginning to calm down.

"Yer welcome," I replied, not knowing what else to say. And then we slipped into silence, looking at each other. I tried to make out the color of her eyes, but I still wasn't close enough.

That's when the thug behind me started stirring, and as I turned to look at him I witnessed him trying to get up, leaning painfully on his right elbow. I turned back to her with despair in my heart, knowing this is where we had to part. Me, back to my life in the shadows, and she, living on with hers.

"Ye should leave," I said, piercing my eyes into hers. "I'll make sure the cops get 'im."

She nodded, pulling the dog closer to her. I stepped aside, noticing she still felt uncomfortable with me, and with that, she walked past me, hurriedly continuing on the path he had blocked, leaving me breathless behind her.

* * *

After our meeting I went out every night, in hope of seeing her again. I didn't know why. Because I couldn't make contact, and I wasn't planning to, either. Even so, I still left my home and family behind every night, sneaking out to find her. I walked the park just like I had that first night, and every time I thought - or I _hoped_ - that this would be the night she made her appearance.

Then, one Thursday night, two weeks exactly after our first meeting, I saw her. She was walking her dog, just like before, and the two of us were approaching each other from opposite directions, just like before. However, this time I couldn't pass her. Even if she didn't notice me the first time she would definitely recognize the trench coat from two weeks earlier. Therefore I hid in the bushes, pathetically enough, and watched her in amazement as she passed me, listening to music like last time. She wore her brown hair in a pony tail, some stays of it brushing her face as she walked. I could almost reach out and touch her as she passed me, and I was tempted to. But I stayed in the bushes, watching her like some obsessive stalker. And perhaps I was, but it didn't matter to me. All I knew was that I had to see her again.

But it wasn't enough.

She became like a drug. Seeing her only left me craving for more. Perhaps it hadn't been so smart to go and look for her in the park, but I didn't care. Her presence left me at peace. Her beauty made all my problems and everything wrong in the world fade away. She was my drug, one I hungered for from morning to night.

After a few weeks I learned that she always walked her dog in the park on Thursday nights, and I always went there to get a glimpse of her; sticking to the shadows and sometimes following her for a while, unable to take my eyes off of her. Still I never exposed myself to her, but instead admired her from afar.

Many nights I would lie awake, pondering on approaching her, and wondering what her reaction would be if I did. Sometimes, when I was happy, I would imagine her smiling at me, recognizing her masked hero. I used to envision how we started talking to each other, and that when the moment came, she wasn't frightened by my true identity. Those were the nights when I would fall asleep with a smile on my face, pleasant dreams welcoming me. Then of course, there were nights when I went to bed with a shadow hanging over me, and I would visualize the fear in her eyes once I stepped into the light and unsheathed my monstrous appearance to her. The look in her eyes hurt me more than I thought possible, and there was nothing I feared more. Perhaps that was why I never took contact with her, but remained an outsider - looking in.

She was my guilty pleasure. She was everything I wanted, and at the same time, everything I could never have. She was my dream, right there in front of me, close enough to touch, still not close enough to reach. But as long as I saw her in the park, her dog wandering at her side, then I could always keep dreaming. And I did, week after week, watching her from the shadows, thinking of her when I didn't, and none of my brothers knew. They never questioned my visits to the world above, because there wasn't anything unusual about it. It was me, and I needed my space from them, my freedom.

Then one night, everything changed.

* * *

I remember it as clear is if it was yesterday. It had been a little over a year, and I had observed her in the park every Thursday. I had watched the park change from summer to winter, witnessed the green grass being buried under the whitest snow, and then finally back to summer again. This particular night I sat on a bench in the park, protected in the shadows under an oak tree, its leaves withering and falling to the wet ground, waiting for her to show up around the corner, like she always did. It was routine. And like always, she and the dog appeared. She was wearing a pair of green military pants, and a black vest kept her warm on the upper body, along with a polo-sweater. Her hair danced in the September wind as she absentmindedly strolled along, like she had done so many times before. I knew everything about her; the way she moved, the clothes she wore, the way she would take a moment to admire the stars when they were visible, the way she smiled when she talked to someone on her cell phone, the sound of her voice when she answered it. The only thing didn't know was the color of her eyes. I knew they were dark, but that was it.

She walked along the path like she always did, and I studied her from the bench, my eyes following her as she passed me. The world ceased existing and I felt at peace, if only for a moment. Because every time I saw her the urge to talk to her became even stronger, and it burned brighter than ever that night. But so did my fear for her rejection. However, it was worth that moment when I drowned in her beauty and presence. It was worth that one moment of peace.

I watched her back as she stopped to fiddle with her walkman, probably adjusting the volume, and then she continued her walk through the park. Her petite body became smaller and smaller the further away from me she walked, until ultimately I decided to go home. I rose from the bench to spend another week longing for the next Thursday, and I walked across the lawn, trying to step over the fallen leaves to avoid attracting attention. But it wasn't me who attracted the attention that night.

I walked in the shadows of the park in my dazed state, all my senses filled with her, when suddenly the sound of death ripped through the air, and I was forced back to reality.

I ran like I had never done before, my coat dancing in the air around me, and my knuckles white from the tight hold on my sais. When I caught up with the source of the sound, I gathered energy from places I didn't know existed and blazed at the guilty.

The dog laid still on the cold lawn, the beige fur on its chest drenched with blood, and the circle-shaped eyes clouded with death. The killer still held the gun in his hand, viciously pointing it to the girl's face. Her frightened sobs echoed in the night, and I realized there was still things I didn't know about her. Her tears filled me with rage, and I didn't care about anything else but punishing the one that did this to her.

Like a man with a death wish I ran straight towards them, and as the man noticed me he instantly removed the gun from her and pointed in towards me instead. His hand shook as if doubting to fire his weapon, and it wasn't until I pierced the ends of my sais into his chest that I heard the gun go off. I froze at the deadly sound for a moment, oddly realizing I wasn't hit, and then turned my attention back to the punk attached to my weapons. I stared into his eyes and noticed them widen with fear and disbelief. I wasn't sure if it was because I had lost my fedora when I ran; exposing my reptilian head to him, or if it was simply the thought of death taking form within him. I wedged my weapons further into his flesh, a smile curving my lips as he choked on his breath.

I enjoyed the feeling of the fading criminal in my arms.

When his eyes began to flicker with death I roughly withdrew my blood covered sais, watching the limp body drop to my feet.

For once justice had served.

But my victory was short-lived, when behind me I heard the sound of another body hitting the ground. Turning around I felt my heart stop in my chest. There, collapsed before me, laid the woman I had fought to protect. Her eyes were focusing on the sky above her as her fumbling hands searched for the hole in her stomach. Her shocked features transformed into fear when her slender fingers touched the blood that poured out from her body.

My weapons fell out of my hands and I dropped to the ground before her, tears welling up in my eyes. I crawled to her side and gasped at the sight of all the blood. She heard me and turned her frightened stare towards me, sucking in a breath when discovering my green face.

Tears filled her eyes and she began to stutter, not sure on what scared her the most; the wound in her stomach or the freak at her side. I pushed the pain from her reaction into the far corner of my mind and focused on the person dying before me. I unzipped her vest and discovered her white sweater soaked with blood. I did the only thing I knew and pressed my hands to the wound, trying to stop the bleeding, or at least slow it down. But it seemed of no use. I could feel her life seep away between my fingers, and I felt my insides turn cold.

"I don't wanna die.." she pleaded, tears falling from her eyes, and as I looked into them, I noticed for the first time that they were dark-green. I had never seen anything like it before. They were beautiful, even as the gaze of death began to take form within their depths. She was still beautiful.

"Yer not gonna die," I said, wanting to believe my own words. But the hot blood covering my hands told me otherwise.

She began to panic and started hyperventilating; her sobs racking her delicate body.

"Please," she begged, her terrified eyes meeting mine. "I don't wanna die.."

This was not how I had imagined our meeting. Of all the scenes I had played out in my mind, this was not one of them. There were scenes where she had screamed, scenes where she had smiled, even scenes where we had kissed. But this had never crossed my mind. Death had never been in the same sentence as her.

"I'm not gonna let ya," I said, anger pressing my slippery hands harder against her abdomen.

Her panicked eyes travelled from me to the dead animal beside her. "Oh God," she whimpered, staring at the cadaver in the grass.

I looked up at her face once I heard a bubbly cough, witnessing blood coming out of her mouth. Even if I could stop the bleeding, there was too much internal damage inflicted on her.

She was going to die tonight, and would have to witness it.

A tear escaped the corner of my eye when she turned her gaze back to me, her eyes pleading with me to save her. She didn't care if I was a freak or not, she just wanted to live.

"Please..." she said, before coughing up more blood. The red liquid poured down onto the white collar of her polo-sweater.

I felt so helpless, she was dying before my very eyes and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. She started to calm down then; the panic on her breath fading, and the sobs of her chest slowing, until there was no more.

I found myself stare into her frozen eyes, only death staring back at me, and a few more tears fell down my face. I still held my hands to her bleeding wound, and as I sat there - my state slipping away from present and reality - a faint sound of a siren slowly woke me.

Someone had called the cops.

I removed my hands from her stomach and moved them to her face, gently closing her dark-green eyes, leaving my bloody prints on her eyelids. Then I stood, rage burning within me, and looked at her body one last time, before claiming my sias and taking off into the shadows.

* * *

That night I didn't come home.

The unlucky punks that harassed the city had to face my wrath. I didn't care who they were. I didn't care that they hadn't killed her, I still beat them senseless; her blood on my knuckles blending with theirs.

I had never tasted death before. And even though I didn't even know her name, her demise still made a strong impact on me.

She had been my hopes and my dreams. And he had killed her.

When I returned that morning Leonardo waited for me with a lecture. But after taking one look into my eyes he noticed there was something wrong. He instantly dropped the accusations and asked what had happened. I ignored his concern and went to my room, staying in there for days. There, alone in my misery, I mourned the person I never knew, and yet loved.

They all asked questions about what happened, but as I never answered them, they eventually got tired of asking. They probably just figured it was another one of my funks.

But they have no idea. They know nothing of my secrets. They know nothing of her. They know nothing of her beauty, and the way it lit up my life. Nor do they know of her death, and the prints it left on my soul. They will never know of those dark-green eyes that pleaded with me to save her. The eyes I failed.

They would never understand. They will never know what she meant to me.

She used to be my lovely dream. She used to be my every lovely thought. She used to be my lovely secret, and as such, she will remain secluded in my heart.


End file.
